往前飛 戴佩妮

你不是魚
你怎麽知道魚不會哭？
你不是我
你怎麽知道我不想飛？

我只想要往前飛
能飛多遠 也無所謂
我討厭在這裡徘徊
我厭倦我流眼淚

只管閉上眼睛往前追
若錯過太多就有所謂
我害怕了後悔
那種遺憾的滋味

放開那些 事與願違
放開那些 是是非非
轉過身 已走遠
請留住我的美

忘掉那些 曾經依偎
忘掉那些 溫柔相隨
囘過頭 已終結
只能給自己一個你曾給的安慰

我只想要往前飛 能飛多遠無所謂
我害怕了後悔 那種遺憾的滋味
往前飛


飛，一個夢幻虛想的字
飛，一個妄想逃避的字
飛，一個丟下遺憾的字
出現在夢中，出現在虛幻現實中
曾經的以爲，換來了傷心的面對
害怕了後悔，也害怕遺憾的滋味
現實的壓迫，逼使了人類的逃避
往前飛，變成了你我的唯一出路

想

我好想你，想到不能呼吸，想到全身沒力氣...
來自徐若瑄- 好想你

好想你，想得連心都疼了，想得連我最愛的食物...都變得乏味，想得連眼淚都流不出來了。
每一次聽著關於‘想念’的歌曲，腦海中都不由得想起過往的每一段回憶。曾經告訴過朋友說，我是一個記憶力很差的人，有時侯事情發生后的那一刻起，事情就像是被風吹走一樣，消失得無際。不知道，是自己選擇性的把它給忘記，還是這是一種習慣，習慣地性地把記憶封鎖，不論愉快的，還是悲傷的。但當一首歌飄入我耳中時，許許多多的片段不斷地湧入腦中。它們就像是一群野馬，被關久了，當你把門閂打開時，將不受控制地奔跑，奔向自由，奔向原野。

想著你，心情愉快嗎？
想著你，不要忘了吃飯
想著你，開車時，一定要往前看。
想著你，想到忽然覺得，你在我身旁。
想著你，想到不能呼吸，想到全身沒力氣。

朋友曾說過，當不能自己的想著他時，就瘋狂地想吧，想到心疼了，就讓它疼。就像‘金枝欲孽’裡，香浮說的借酒消愁般：

人若然不開心，醉，也是理所當然。
心越痛，就越應該，慢慢地，一杯、一杯地讓它痛。
痛過後，人就會覺得累，覺得累，人已很醉。
醉醒，人就會覺得舒泰。
但相反的，
若一個人喝得越急，只求快醉、快倒、快忘情，
只怕痛得不夠，醉醒后，一切只會循環不息。
而浪費的，不止是酒，更是你的時間、及心思。

慢慢地痛，慢慢地回想，慢慢地醉，有時候，未尚不是一個愈合的方法。
心中的疤痕將會永遠留在那，會不時地讓自己想起，曾愛戀過的他。
而這道疤痕，雖然醜陋，卻是生命中一個重要的回憶。
遺憾，總是最美的...
得不到的，也總是最美...但最痛的。

後遺症

我想父母的離異真的在我心中留下了用不磨滅的陰影...

剛剛看了由Julia Robert 和Richard Gere 主演的《Pretty Woman》，這部戯一直都是我的最愛。浪漫的情節，灰姑娘的結局。或許以前的我還是會嚮往這樣的結局，可是現在的我漸漸地對長久的愛情失去信心。在看的過程中，偷偷地幻想了一下，若有一位男士突然向我求婚，和片子裏一樣，擁有浪漫的音樂，我最愛的紅玫瑰，閃亮的鑽石，加上甜言和蜜語來向我求婚，我會答應嗎？想了很久，答案都好像是負面的呵。

每一次走在街上，看著一對老夫妻手牽著手地在散步，或是聽見朋友說他父母的十五結婚周年紀念日就快到了，又或是在電視上看見溫馨的家庭聚會，我的心好像總是缺少了某一塊，好疼，真的好疼。説不上是嫉妒，還是羡慕，但總是在別人問起“你的父母如何，如何？”我都會很害怕別人發現我是來自一個單身家庭。這是它的後遺症嗎？不知道，只是知道，至到現在我還是不能接受這個事實，一個活生生的例子，就發生在我身上。若有一天，我父母告訴我說，他們決定離婚了，我想我會在他們面前裝得若無其事。但卻不得不在別人看不見的地方，慢慢地舔那流著血的傷口。

Another thought

Two more days, then my exams for winter term will be done! can't wait till thursday...hope that all the stress that i am having right now and all the tiredness will be over by then!

Talked to Julianne today, again, about this guy... she knows all the stories about him, and him. eventually, she still couldn't catch my thought... I think i still like him, so how can i be with him if i am still thinking of another person? everything seems so bizarre for me, things just happened without my anticipation, that's life, isn't it? now, every night before going to bed, i feel stuck, into him...

...maybe it was weird for her to understand why don't i want to hang out with him, since she is good at socialize and meeting new people. I feel weird, always, that it seems like my obligation to hang out with someone that i don't feel comfortable with. Or maybe, i have already put a thought to myself that i will not enjoy hanging out with him, because i am thinking of another. This was bad, because this 'assumption' would really make me feel this way...sigh Something that she had said just hit into my thought, that not every romantic relationship in a person life contains 'true love'. Maybe it was true, every relationship can be created without 'true love'. But, it raises a question for me, 'how people deal with someone that they don't love for the rest of their life? or for that particular moment?' It might be loneliness, or he just happened to be there when someone needs him. But do i really want that? Maybe now it is still too early to say that i don't like him, coz we only chatted for twice and met maybe once...but if i feel that i can't find the happiness when i think of him, or when he called, i can't find the excitement, is it still too early to say that i don't know how i feel toward him? Or maybe Jenny was right, i am still fresh and do not really know what exactly do i want.

I do not know where will this inner fear leads me, but, we'll see.

Random thought

I was reading some journals for tomorrow exam. Interesting enough, found out that one of the theory happened 'coincidentally' to my situation.
"low self-esteem individuals might project any new self-doubts onto their partners, imagining that their partners will share their own sense of disappointment, this is so called naive realism.
Occasional failures or disappointment might activate concerns that their romantic partners will eventually discover their "true" selves and then their affections might diminish."

Was telling Jenny that i still can't find a way to step out from some of my unconscious fear, i do not know what it is, but sometime it just bugs me. Yesterday night, was weird, went to bed around 12.45am, i wasn't tired, but i need to sleep early so that i can wake up early today, but just couldn't sleep. Feel hard to breath too, feel like something needs to come out from my unconscious thought.

看著某一個頂點
想著某一件事情
思緒飄浮
情緒失控
想要尖叫
想要發洩
奈何
只能感受著眼淚從心裏流過

天啊！！

I met you again yesterday... It was a coincident, because i didn't expect to see you again in the university. Everytime after meeting you, i just can't stop thinking of you for the next few days! My 'imagination' becomes sooo strong that i can't even stop myself of NOT thinking of your smile. The worse thing was that you were wearing a pink shirt...and me too! i was wearing a pink blouse too...（耍白癡，我都快要受不了我自己了！）

If this is like an addiction, i didn't even know how i got started. After meeting you, i hardly feel that anyone else is as perfect as you! i have no idea, what should i do next...sigh

哎，每次都會想太多。天啊，若你認爲我們‘有緣無份’，就別讓我見到他！！好討厭自己，也好討厭你，每次碰面都會讓我想要認識你！可是就是提不起勇氣，我現在連對你笑的勇氣都沒有了。只能在你眼前裝酷。哎喲！！！气死人了！！！

櫻花

它代表了熱烈、純潔与高尚 它性喜阳光 亦喜湿润 在盛开时节 满树烂漫 如云似霞 總是在冬天后 帶領人們走向春天 它凋落时 不污不染 很干脆 亦象徵著生命 短暫卻燦爛 它代表了靈 充滿了魅力 讓人不能忽視 似象徵著生命裡的泉源 永遠有取不完的甘露 在我生命裡創造了奇跡

Positive illusions

"...manifestation of egatism involves the tendency for people to see not only themselves but also their partners and relationships in an unrealistically positive light.....positive illusions are linked to relationship satisfaction and stability...Furthermore, the quest for felt security may actually undermine satisfaction in the long run because it blinds people to relational difficulties when they are still small enough to be solved...It is perfectly feasible to be in love with and committed to someone whom one does not overidealize and to face relationships with a realistic judgement of their difficulty and fragility, thereby reducing the likelihood of being blindsided by problems in the future...
...Given the inportance of significant others to people's self-concepts, believing that one is in a close relationship with an undesirable partner undermines one's own self-image...
...Overly positive views of one's partner may also reflect a self-representational tactic designed to convince other people of one's own positive qualities...it is generally in their best interests that other people perceive their partners positively...
...the tendency for people to idealize their romantic partners may stem as much from their egotistical inclinations to perceive themselves positively or to convey positive impressions of themselves to others as from their desire to feel secure in the relationship..." (Mark. R. Leary)

After reading the text of Leary, boom, it just reflects what i have in mind.
I used to think that i wasn't self-centered, but after reviewing my thoughts of chosing a life long partner, it has no doubt at all, that i wasn't lived for my own sake, but living in the eyes of others approval.
Or maybe i have realized, the motivation of being 'myself' is just to gain the approval of others, but unconscously, i didn't have the courage to view the clear picture.

After studying interpersonal communication, i have realized how naive to be an idealist in a relationship. Jenny told me that she still has her dream, to have a wonderful marriage, to 'work on' the problems that might arise in a marriage or relationship. Should i call this self-serving bias? everyone is an egotist, everyone thought that they would do better than others. Should i still have hope in searching for the 'perfect' one? or Maybe, before having hope of searching the 'perfect' one, i should realize and accept the fact that 'everyone is a fallibly human being'?

了解 需要很大的勇氣
踏出 需要更大的勇氣
我的勇氣 來自別人的認可
原來 這就是我所謂的人生

realize?

Accidently, browsed through my friend's blog.
Friends, comments and pictures. Wasn't it those kind of life that i was looking for? When did i change? and when did i 'realize' those just wasn't what i wanted?
Unconsciously, maybe i was jealous, that i wasn't surrounded by lots of friends, didn't have lots of nonsense to talk about.
Or maybe unconsciously, i am who i am, changing myself to cater to others?
I have tried, but it was hard.
I have failed so many times, in the end, i have given up.
就伴隨著孤獨吧。

可能自己也害怕過，這樣的人生是危險的...
可是試著去迎合別人，到頭來自己最得到什麽？
或許這就是她和我不同的人生路吧。

虛榮心

想要最好的
房子 車子 金錢 身份 家庭背景
它是不是影響一個人最深呢？
大部份的人都說
要結婚 就一定要遇到一個自己喜歡的
可是 自己所訂下來對另一半的條件
都會不會是被它給蒙蔽了雙眼？

又或者是
另一半的某一些條件
會讓自己的朋友 家人 所羡慕
進而能滿足了它的存在？
這樣就真的幸福了嗎？

always we say we deserve something's better
but do we mean by 'better'? or the 'best'?
and how do we define the 'best'?

無題

那天和朋友網上聊天
她讓我想起 以往的自己
曾對愛情的憧憬 漸漸的變成了
對愛情絕望

那天朋友到我房裏聊天
她讓我覺得 似曾相識
對過往的糊塗 漸漸的變成
必須對事情謹慎

那天看見了朋友和她男友的互動
就告訴了我另一個朋友
說我並不看好這段感情
是我太苛刻了？ 還是我太悲觀了？

悲觀的看一件事
總是帶著對別人的不信任感
灰色的世界
往往看不見太陽
是因爲害怕 太陽的光亮
會照出心裏的缺陷?
還是因爲 灰色的朦朧
捆住了想要破蛹而出的蝴蝶?

Strange feeling

Today, as usual, volenteer at Lions Manor.
Anyway, i met him... feel kinda strange, because its too formal, i know she is being nice, but it was just weird, of knowing a person, through formally introduced by someone...
he asked me out, i said sure, but not now, coz it is bad timing, finals are coming, and i really have to study... but now i realized something after talking to my friend about this...she told me i was trying to build a 'wall' in between him and i. it could be...but i don't know. because i thought i was just trying to be nice...he gave me his phone number, asked me to call, feel awkward to call someone that i do not know whether i like or dislike him...
I feel happy that someone says he likes me, but....that's bout it, nothing special...i am confused...
too many thoughts happened to be pop up into my mind, i knew that he just wasn't that type of person that i would like to be with for the rest of my life, but...what should i say? give both of us a chance? maybe...yes...or...no? would it be too early to think about it?

正在想應不應該接受，好像有點想太多。呵~ 可是我就是將，縂喜歡想些有的沒的，所以才會猶豫不決。希望自己的第一次牽手就是永遠，好像有點異想天開呵。
不過當他讚我很漂亮，很想要認識我時，呵呵，還蠻開心的~
可是啊，覺得自己還是有點白癡樣，在男生面前總是倔強的希望表現得得體，可是，好奇怪哦，往往都是適得其反，真討厭！

Julianne asked me to call him, and not to wait until 7 days later, haha, or else he would think that i am not into him...haha, actually i really want to do that...sigh, so that i don't have to bother, just live how i live right now, school, home and school...nothing should be in my thought beside those things.

接受，會不會只是因爲寂寞？又或只是想要嘗試？我不想後悔。
好想哭啊，好想家！好想離開，好想見帥哥！好想....睡覺！！！
別想了，一切順其自然了唄！煩。

陪襯品

陪襯品 還蠻適合自己的一個代名詞 沒有自己的思想 縱使自己曾努力的爭取過 站在別人身邊 好像永遠都沒有別人強 是不是自己習慣性的軟弱 讓別人覺得很沒説服力? 天蠍座呵 好像都有一個通病 總是特想表達自己的意見 但 在別人不認同的情況下 可能會有兩種情況出現 一是 笑笑 表面上裝得不在意 其實心理在意得要命 而是 力爭到底 吵得面紅耳赤 其實只是不甘心 覺得爲什麽縂是不被人了解 想要的不過是要你接納另一種不同的意見罷了 唔 好像有點不公平地把每個天歇座的人概括了 好煩好煩 即使外表看起來一點也不 總是習慣性地僞裝自己 在一些熟悉的狀況下 爲什麽只能在熟悉的狀況下呢? 也許因爲可以預知別人對自己的表現會做出什麽樣的反應吧 前前後後 被別人傷害的次數 足夠讓自己變聰明一點吧 而 在沒有遇過的情況下 只好被別人當傻瓜一樣了 反正 傻人有傻福吧 呵

宇宙八號星球

我等待郵差稍來情人的書信 我等待郵差寄送我滿紙的期待 住在宇宙八號星球 我等待又等待 郵差沒有來 ... 愛情也沒有來 陶樂蒂 期待總是來了 又離開 怕了 累了 倦了 只好曡在心頭 慢慢地品味 失望

Narrow Daylight

Narrow Daylight by Diana Krall Narrow daylight entered my room Shining hours were brief Winter is over Summer is near Are we stronger than we believe? I walked through halls of reputation Among the infamous too As the camera clings to the common thread Beyond all vanity Into a gaze to shoot you through Is the kindness we count upon Hidden in everyone? I stepped out in a sunlit grove Although deep down I wished it would rain Washing away all the sadness and tears That will never fall so heavily again Is the kindness we count upon Hidden in everyone? I stood there in the salt spray air Felt wind sweeping over my face I ran up through the rocks to the old wooden cross It's a place where I can find some peace Narrow daylight entered my room Shining hours were brief Winter is over Summer is near Are we stronger than we believe? We have no choice but facing the kindness that we believe is under the sun, a place where we might not find through life. We have no choice but keeping faith into our heart, believing that rain might bring our tears and sadness away. We have no choice but trying to remain who we are, remain who we are under the mask that we are using. Hope that one day, we will find our peace, in a place that we always wanted to be. Thank you JC, for recommending this wonderful song.

鬱悶

面對著電腦，心中想的，卻是我的。。。床 好累，好累，身、和心都好累。也許有一些自我放縱，現在的自己也不清楚自己想要些什麽了。以前所規劃的將來，現在好像都成了廢話。越來越不了解，心中的那一個洞，想要由什麽來填補。 習慣了孤獨，現在的情緒，或許就是所謂的副作用吧。用某一種葯太久，副作用就會在身裡積累，等到有一天不注意時，爆發。而不巧的，自己所服用的葯，叫‘孤獨’，副作用就是寂寞。可能有一天，爆發時，連自己也控制不了。 朋友有一次問我，爲什麽會感到寂寞呢？難道你沒有朋友嗎？天天呆在房裏，不寂寞才怪呢！是啊，天天呆在房裏，寂寞嗎？會阿，而且是肯定句。可是誰又能保證，和朋友一起，會讓自己快樂呢？習慣了戴面具，有時候和朋友一起，只會顯得自己更虛僞、更寂寞罷了。所以不知是什麽時候開始，心越來越封閉。 現在，卻越來越想掙脫，掙脫這個枷鎖，但搞得自己好累好累... 有時侯想想，人生不過短短幾十年，這麽辛苦，值得嗎？ 或許，這就是人生，沒什麽所謂的值不值，是一種因，也是一種果。

Man-hater

What a small world?
Today, i went to a cafe, named 'Just dessert', it is obviously a cafe that sell dessert. My friend and I were satisfied of the sweetness of chocolate, wow, can't imagine how delicious there were! We talked a lot, a long chat. All topics that we could think of, from chocolate to sex...haha~ we end it up by telling each other that we are 'man-hater'.. What an extreme word, i think. Even thou she is now in a relationship, still, we kinda lost the confident for guys. It was just a weird feeling, of knowing that there were actually someone out there who 'hate' guys and now actually with a guy...
So many times, that i have told myself not to disclose too much...But all the time, i disappointed myself...But i felt release after chatting with her, she was actually the first person who asked me to continue how i feel now---not to trust guys easily..to become picky. but am i really picky?? my friends have told me not to be choosy, but what i wanted to tell them was i just don't know how to deal with guys sometimes. Once i saw them, i just don't know what should i act, what is appropriate to act in front of them. maybe i was too 'artificial', but this is life, even thou we keep telling ourselves that we want to be who we are, but how many people can actually be who they are without worrying how others look at you....
Maybe i was 'immature', but i do think that "MEN" are mostly immature. the way they talk and the way they want to tease you, in order to get your attention, or just want to proof that they are smarter than you are..just make me sick sometimes...sick...i
However, to become a succesful peer supporter, what i need to do is to convince others that there are still hopes in life...in which i was the one who feel no hope in this matter. sigh

the beginning

just finished my last class for the day, or week. Today's topic was marriage and personality, reminded me of my family. It was long time ago, where marriage used to be one of the 'goals' in my life, since when, that my ideal goal has been changed? a psychologist said nothing in the world is constant, even thou it was subtle, but significant. eros, 'life instinct', it motivates life-maintaining behaviors and love. thanatos, 'death instinct', is a destructive force directing us inevitably toward death, the ultimate release from the tension of living, it motivates all kinds of aggression, including war and suicide. balance in between eros and thanatos is crucial, maybe. without one or another, maybe, is impossible.