May 14, 2008

今天做了个重大的决定。
没有所谓的对与错， 只有值不值得。

我那天哭了，有多久没有那么痛快地发泄过？
我忘了，或许，我并不想记得。

飘泊久了的心，找不到港湾。
该，转弯了吗？

我选择用，停顿。
是的，该向前的我会坚持。
是的，该停顿时我会放下。

我学了很多吗？我成长了吗？我变了吗？
你呢？你如何？你变了吗？

我想念，故放弃。
我想念，故把握。
我把握，故放下。

stop! stop it!

Sorta depressing I guess. I am glad, to have best friends like you all. everytime when you asked 'are you okay?', really, i felt like crying in front of you. For no reason, everything was overwhelming, about him, thesis, homesickness...if there is a way that can stop all this depressed feelings, I would trade whatever I have with it. really...I will.
Nic just called, asked for someone else's phone number again...i just felt like, that's it? am i the only one that everyone can call just for someone else's number? great, I am just a person that's indifferent i guess. ha
when you are in a depress mood, everything is negative...I guess I will have to deal with it myself, stop the negative thought, stop every obstacle that stops me going forward.

Random

It took courage to take the first move, and now it takes time to forget.
Summer is coming back, will you still be there? or will you melt away after winter?

蓝图

开始念心理学才知道原来很多烦恼是真实地存在，不管你是在什么年龄层，什么阶级，什么背景。
我最近感到愉快，是因为我又开始了那种拥有憧憬的心情，好久好久都没有这么开心过了，就像沙漠中得到雨露，即开心也害怕。害怕那是海市蜃楼，转眼不见。望，只望这次的梦想能实现。
心还想着不能实现的一切，无忧的生活，百变的蓝图，不想了，不望了，也不忘了。 那是美好的。我愿这美好能一直维持，即便那是个遗憾……

A liar

It is time for another housemate to leave Canada. We had a small farewell tonight, just before 8pm. I am happy, well, I know I should not be, but it is hard not to. She is...an interesting person, always have lots of questions in mind and the next time when you see her, be ready to answer her question, or at least have your patient ready, so you won't get frustrated. I remembered one night just before midnight, she waited me to get out from the washroom and asked where can she find a place to fix her hair dryer... At that time, I really felt like ...Oh my Lord.
She begins to pack her luggage, everyone cried at the farewell dinner, except me. This makes me wonder, am i a cold-hearted person? or I am just used to say goodbye to people after all these years in rez. It is hard to show the tears just because I wasn't feeling sad at all. It is hard to pretend, well, for the fact that I am not an actress. But I think I have been trained well to suppress my thoughts and feelings, I think I am a good liar, at least when others need me to pretend that I am happy. Well, at least, to lie is better than showing nothing at all in a happy moment, is it not?

又长一岁

又长一岁了，跨在加国和马来亚之间就是这个时候啦。
今年没有欲望想庆祝生日，或许是太忙和太疲累了吧，也都不知道该做些什么。
明天是一定要吃cheesecake的啦，然后可能就得学习了。
祝我生日快乐！

生日的这天，下雪了，白蒙蒙一片，好美。
耳边传来了下雨声，却发现原来只是雪坠落的声音。
或许我还是害怕吧，害怕看别人嘲笑的眼神和讽刺的嘲弄。
所以，我还是保持了沉默。
但记得的朋友们，我是诚心的谢谢你们。
你们的问候和一字一句，都让我感动。
从来没有这么庆幸过，我很荣幸能有你们，让我觉得我的世界不孤单……

十一月十一日

不时就要叛逆一下，有点坏……
天蝎座都口是心非的，我说。
是吧，就我是吧，别把别人一概并论。
倔强，固执，霸道，不知所措。
我的中心，好像都不知道摆在哪里了，渐渐对什么事都无能为力。
今天是假期，刚刚的心情还不错，但室友回来后就开始觉得很讨厌呆在家里。
或许是呆在宿舍太多年了，渐渐的也对某些人和事感到厌倦和厌恶。
明明以前总会很有耐心的解释，现在却慢慢地觉得“这么白痴的问题都要问”。。。
不耐烦是我现在的写照，哎，心情又跌到到了一个谷底……
还是看书把，心情至少会好一点。

A destiny to no where

A destiny to no where
I have lost, in the middle of no where
Where am I? Where am I going? Where was I belong?
Future seems too blur, yet the pasts seem too hard to remember.
I am searching, for the career, study or a home...
Everything seems so close to be touched, yet it is far as the reflected moon.
I am trying to reach the shining star, I am still trying.
I will tell you, if I have done the homeworks that you have left for me.
Homeworks that might cost my entire life to complete.

Missing again

It has been awhile, since you left Winnipeg.
I have the urge to email you, just wanted to ask a simple question: how's everything?
She told me that you had a party not long before your departure.
That makes me wonder, whether there was something between us?
I told myself not to think of you, once in awhile, yet my mind was wandering.
If meeting someone else would make me feel better, at least its letting you go, maybe I should be trying harder, to find that someone else.
I have closed myself, my mind, and my soul; just to make sure, I am safe.
Was it safe enough to protect myself from hurting again?
Was it safe enough? I wonder again.
You have been into my life, even though its just a short while, it has lightened my soul, and spirit.
Or more importantly, you taught me to be stronger and smarter.
Hopefully one day, there will not be any hope from me to you.
Hopefully there will be a day, that I have let you go.

魔力

好多話想講，好多事發生，好多情緒想發洩，卻不知從何開始。
每一天練習，每一天盼望，每一天匆匆而過，卻不見你的蹤影。

甜蜜的開始，苦澀的結束。
原來是這樣的不簡單，雖然它只維持了短短的十二小時。

疼痛的雙腳，生了繭的雙手，也不能抵囘失去了的魔法。
漫長的夜晚，流逝的白天，第四杯的威爾士，我卻還是執著地保護著自認為屬於他的魔咒。
消失了的十二點，鐘聲響了第七下，微笑的魔法師离我而去后，空白的白紙上留下了鮮紅的血。

看不見的背影，淚無言落下，我還是想執著地再擁抱你一囘，再依賴多一次你的肩膀。
看不見的魔法，漸漸消失，漸漸不見，但我卻願意在有限的旅途裏從新練習一次，從新學會一次，只但願下次再見面時，我還能用我的雙手把你變成我的。

無疾而終

可笑還是該哭？剛剛的一通電話，說真的我到現在還顫抖著。是傷心得顫抖著，還是嘲笑自己的愚蠢？明明我可以感覺到你，現在卻像是天邊的一片云。若這是一個答案，好吧，小寳，一切如你所愿……

Finally...

This blog hasn't been updated for some time...whether it is because I have losen the strength of writing or just simply losen the courage to manifest my feelings. Whoever is checking my blog once in awhile, I apologize for the disappoinment.
I have been obsessed with the show "Desperate Housewives" lately. It talks about the lives of families in Wisteria Lane, a beautiful residential area with friendly neighbours, but behind the doors, everyone is having a little of their own dirty laundries.
"Everyone has his own dirty laundry" begins the stories of these four women who seem to live in a happy yet a hidden desperate life. The lines inspired me as a repressed and restricted human being, they reminded me of how I live through my life...

"In a world filled with darkness,we all need some kind of light
whether it's a great flame that shows us how to win back what we have lost
or the powerful beacon intended to scare away potential monsters
or a few glowing bulbs that reveal to us the hidden truth of our past
we all need something to help us get through the night
even if it's just the tiniest glimmer of hope." (DH, episode 8, 2nd season)

There was a scence, when Carlos was trying to help his wife, Gabbrielle, to move on by hiring his 'prison' mate after she has lost their baby in an unintention way. At first, everyone thought that she has recovered from the lost, even herself. Was she cold hearted? or was she self-centered? She thought that she was selfish because of not having the intention to manifest her grief over this lost in which she has just started to embrace the gain. The balloon represents the spirit of a life lost, by letting it go, she would recognize the pain feel and releas it at the same time. She denied the feeling that deep under her heart, she thought that it was easy for her to let go of the balloon. But in the end, she recognized how much grief she has by releasing the balloon that also letting go the past. Doesn't matter whether this is the same old stuff that we have learned in the movies or a deed that one would bring disgrace to oneself, it helps me to learn one should be failthful to one's heart and recognize the grief that one denies. Maybe, there is still grief underneath somewhere in my heart, maybe, one day I would recognize and let go...

a night in TYC

今天真的玩得很瘋。
好久沒跳舞，跳得流汗的那種哦！
因爲這裡的天氣都太冷，所以要讓我這位‘冷’感小姐流汗，是件多麽困難的事啊！
呵呵
今天在快要离開時，按照規矩，酒吧都得播放慢歌，好讓一些醉翁之意不在酒的路人可以乘機‘行事’。剛好，遇到了一個很會跳舞的舞伴，耳裡傳來了我最近最愛的那首歌-you're beautiful……
跳著跳著、不自禁的陶醉在他的怀裏頭。還好，他對女人沒興趣，真的……呵呵呵，賺到啦！
可愛的小男生，雖然你不會來這個網，但還是得謝謝你的體貼哦！這樣的男生啊，真是沒話說。哈哈。
Its time to face the truth, I will never be with you.
當唱到這一句時，還好，我身邊有個男生啊，否則我會當場哭起來咯，呵呵。
今天真的很開心。迷迷糊糊有過了一夜了，明天得加油讀書了！
嘢。

笨蛋

午夜兩點了，燈還亮著，思緒也還轉著。
剛從酒吧囘來，開心嗎？
看著一些喝醉酒的人，發了瘋似的在舞臺上跳舞。
也看見了一些喝不醉的人，尋找著一晚的浪漫。
又遇見他了，是件好事嗎？沒有答案。
朋友都問，爲什麽？而我，能說對感情失望嗎？
不是裝清高，也不是假扮高傲，只是有些事情很難看得透。
是被虛榮感蒙蔽了雙眼，也是被表面的華麗糖果給吸引了。
被人喜歡是件值得高興的事，卻也是件懊惱的事。
算了，順其自然就好，是不？
呵。

好想家

好想媽、爸、姐、弟還有奶奶！
好想回家！

It is you (I had love)

Dana Glover
Album: Testimony

There is something that I see,
In the way you look at me,
There's a smile there's a truth in your eyes.
What an unexpected way,
On this unexpected day,
Could it be, this is where I belong.
It is you I have loved all along.

There's no more mystery,
It is finally clear to me,
You're the home my heart searched for so long.
It is you I have loved all along.

There are times I've ran to hide,
Afraid to show the other side,
Alone in the night without you.
But now I know just who you are,
And I know you hold my heart,
Finally, this is where I belong,
It is you I have loved all along!

No more mystery,
It is finally clear to me,
You're the home my heart searched for so long.
And It is you I have loved all along.

Oh, over and over,
I'm filled with emotion,
Your love, it rushes through my veins.
And I am filled with the sweetest devotion,
As I look into your perfect face

There's no more mystery,
It is finally clear to me,
You're the home my heart searched for so long.
It is you I have loved,
It is you I have loved,
It is you I have loved all along.
___________________________________________________

A song that has been 'dedicated' to me by one of my friends that i met recently.
She's my senior, I mean a senior from high school.
Unbelieavable, eh? All the way, far from home, but end it up...
I have met a friend that was suppose to meet long time ago.

This song, I would like to dedicate to you, my friends, who have met someone that you have loved.
And you, who have met someone that love you all along.
The loneliness and tears that were in those days, are now becoming history.
All the joys and happiness, are here, right besides you.

I am still scared, I am still searching, I am still here, being who I am all along.
Time shall not change who we are.
But love, shall change us to be a better person.
All I can hope for, is being here when you need me...
It is you, my friends, that I have loved all along.

alright

留著一盞燈 放在你看不見的地方
你說是他 讓你擁有不顧一切的衝動
白色的月光 映照出你轉身后的背影
或許是我 對不起 給了你黑暗的謊

愛到沒有了力氣
連貓也看不下去
天上的彩虹消去
連雨它也懶得下

是不是沒有了當初的衝動
累得連腳步也提不起勁
每天的重復動作學業成績
煩了又煩看了又看寫了又寫
醒了又睡睡了又夢夢了又醒
一條路的灣与直 高与低
生命的精彩 悲哀 歡笑 哭泣
開始后 不停止
也許 我該學習說
everything's gonna be alright

低潮期

晚上九點，心情還是一樣糟。是因爲正在適應開學的日子嗎？
昨夜，又是個失眠夜。翻來覆去，嘗試逼自己閉上眼睛，也嘗試什麽都不想，但似乎一點都沒用。
越來越沒自信？還是越來越心不在焉了？開學的熱誠与抱負好像都离我遠去，留下的只剩恐懼与害怕。
越來越沒有方向感，怕遺失在某一個角落，四面都是墻，找不到出口。後路已被封鎖，如果連自己也救不了自己，是否就該等死了？
冬天的季節，寒冷的風与濕冷的雪，都是我的絆腳石嗎？其實自己才是給自己阻礙的罪魁禍首。如果有一條路，踏上后，沒有後顧之憂，卻會讓我質疑我的一生是在追求些什麽，我會選擇嗎？
哎，人生高潮太多，低潮也不少啊。加油啊！加油啊！加油啊！你，可以的！！

無題

在看‘識法代言人’的當兒，哭得稀里嘩啦的，只因爲裏頭一向開朗的父親離開了人間。哭，並不奇怪，卻能代表一向不易掉眼淚的巨人，也有脆弱的一面。
在看這部港劇時，會有很多感觸。裏面很多的對白，都是時常會被我拿出來安慰別人的一些話。現在重聼這些話，會有開竅的感覺。
爸媽都希望我留在加拿大，安安分分的找份工作，吸取一些經驗再回家。不是不想，也不是不要，而是心裏縂會有些牽挂，對家人的那份牽挂……身為子女的，我想要有能力去照顧他們，但另一方面，我也希望在這裡能闖出一片天。不必很大，但能令我滿足。人生就是這樣，魚与熊掌，如何能兼得呢？哎。
白髮蒼蒼，歲月如流，蒼山依舊嗎？

有點莫名奇妙的話……

耳中傳來力宏的‘大城小愛’，甜甜的感覺，帶點復古的音樂。
昨夜做了個夢，夢裡的我覺得有點幸福。現在即使回想起來，也愿成爲不會醒的睡美人，活在虛幻的世界裡，等待那一刻到來。
‘Corpse Bride’不知道你看了沒呢？一直都想看這一部電影，活人与死人的婚禮，會幸福嗎？
看完后，才發現，劇情有點莫名其妙。
它說一位活人，被父母安排了結婚對象，卻不知道她是誰，而她，也被成爲父母踏上名門路的踏腳石，續而被安排了嫁給他。但由於緊張過度，他在彩排時頻頻出錯，結果奪門而出，到了墳墓裏嘗試彩排完成婚禮所必須的禮節。無意中，將手中的戒指套在死人的手指上。結局，出乎意料之外，他讓她換了自由，他也尋得了真愛-也就是那位一見鍾情的結婚對象。
他始終是愛她的嗎？愛与不愛，不該因爲生与死而幻滅。反而，它是否應該因爲死了而更能活得精彩，應該因爲活著而更能活得開心？遺憾總是最美，來不及愛的感覺始終覺得最珍貴。距離美，是最刻骨嗎？沒有開始，結束時，也只記得美好。開始了，結束時，往往人們選擇記得醜陋。
缺點与優點只在一念之間，因爲愛，錯可以變對。但缺乏愛時，對可以變錯。
擁有愛，才去愛；反之，沒有愛，請選擇把心放開點。這樣自己或許會過得簡單些。